Ideas For Dealing With the Complicated Relationships in Your Life
Whether it’s your spouse, your siblings or your friends, how you handle moments when things aren’t easy can make all the difference. Here’s what we’ve found that helps.
Whether you spent last week surrounded by friends and family or mostly solo, chances are you have some complicated relationships in your life that you have to navigate year-round. That’s why we asked The Persistent's contributors for their go-to coping strategies when the going gets tough. Were there complicated relationships chronicled in books and albums? Of course there were! We've included some of those too.
From taking the dog out for a walk to reciting mantras, here are some ideas that are helping us navigate the complicated relationships in our lives right now.
I recently watched "Left-Handed Girl," a film shortlisted for the Oscars in the International Feature Film category. The film explores the complexities of a mother and daughter relationship, including family dynamics, tradition, and cultural beliefs. I was especially drawn to its nuanced portrayal of the mother-daughter bond and the tensions (and secrets) that ripple through the family.
— Hanna Barczyk, illustrator
I have more to learn than advice to give in this realm, but there are two mantras I repeat to myself when things are difficult with loved ones:
"Learn to accept an apology you never got." Sometimes a family member won't recognize the hurt they caused, but rather than fight to make them understand, I'll tell myself that the relationship is more important than the apology and move on.
"Share your calm, don't join their chaos." It’s a gentle parenting mantra that's much easier to live by in theory than in practice. But when my kids are having a meltdown, managing to be a calm voice of reason helps a lot more than yelling "stop it!" for the 12th time.
— Kathleen Davis, executive editor
No question the best books go deep on relationships, and one I particularly loved in this regard is “Blue Sisters” by Coco Mellors. Four sisters; one very complicated mother; a dad who casts a long shadow. Three of the sisters are grieving the (sort of) unexpected death of the fourth, while their mother tries to sell their family home out from under them. The sisters are as vastly different as one could possibly imagine—spread across continents, ages, careers, motivations—but also share an utterly unique foundation that is true of siblings who have grown up under the same roof. They might speak the same language and have the same points of reference on family myths and family lore, but their differences almost make you wonder if they’re related at all. Fighting constantly, united deeply, laughing hysterically, grieving profoundly. It’s family, isn’t it?
Francesca Donner, editor-in-chief
For me, the most complicated—and also the most sustaining—relationships have been my friendships with other women. They’ve required work, forgiveness, honesty, and sometimes uncomfortable conversations, but they’ve also made me stronger in ways no other relationship has. When things get messy, I reach out. I’ve learned that talking things through with women who know my history, my blind spots, and my strengths is its own kind of best therapy. These friendships have taught me how to sit with discomfort, how to set boundaries without guilt, and how to stay soft without being naïve. My friendships with women have helped me grow up, calm down, stand up for myself, and, when needed, let go. They’ve been my greatest teachers and supporters.
– Ella Lupo, illustration agent
In my house, it's just me, a 10 year old and a teen. Whenever I feel I can't deal with it (whatever “it” is), or simply need some space, I take the dog out for a walk. Having a dog means I always have at least one uncomplicated relationship in my life. 🐶
— Tanya Mozias, contributing writer
I have a VERY complicated family structure, with six siblings who all have different parents (and each parent married three times). I’ve tried and tested a few awkwardness-dampeners and I’m now a firm believer in going into family gatherings armed with some extremely niche information I can start sharing rather than getting into why someone’s childhood was awful and/or why some aunt or other was an alcoholic. Things you can bring up at the dinner table that take a long time to discuss and have nothing to do with your family include: How we can warn future humans about the existence of nuclear waste; whether the celebrity dating app Raya is a good idea and what the best way to fly around the world is.
— Holly Baxter, contributing writer
Aren't all worthwhile relationships a bit complicated? The best thing I've learned over the years is that if you feel uneasy after a conversation, as if something was left unsaid, or isn't sitting right, wait a bit, take a breath, and then re-approach it, saying, "That didn't feel right. Is there something more that we need to talk about?" It isn't always easy, but for the closest people in your life that you care about most, being brave is worth it.
— Paula Derrow, features editor
I find that meditation is helpful when dealing with complicated relationships. In the short term, it provides a step back and a way for me to take responsibility for my side and figure out my own motivations. In the long term it helps me to not react in unhelpful ways and prevents or minimizes conflict. I took a few great courses at the Insight meditation center.
– Jenny Kroik, illustrator
When it comes to complicated relationships, I will read anything that the novelist Catherine Newman writes. I started with "We All Want Impossible Things," then moved onto "Sandwich," and now I'm in the middle of "Wreck." She paints messy relationships with the most loving brush. You fall in love with her characters because of their complications, not despite them.
— Deborah Copaken, contributing writer
Want to feel better about your own drama? Listen to Cardi B’s new album “Am I the Drama?” Yes, she is, but what main character isn’t?
— Patrice Peck, contributing writer
How do you manage the difficult relationships in your life? Send your recommendations to hello@thepersistent.com. We’ll be back with more recommendations next Friday!
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